The Most Difficult Part of Parenting . . . At Least for Today

Educational Decisions!  And actually this has been probably the most difficult thing for me in all of parenting so far.  I have said before that it is a good thing children don't go to school as soon as they are born because I think I would have quit having children after James.  I found it difficult from the very beginning, and it is not one of those things that got easier over time.  From deciding how to do school (public, private, home) to helping the kids succeed after the decision has been made, I find it all overwhelming.  I have tried all three routes, so I know the pros and cons of all, and I find positives and negatives in each.  I have children for whom school comes easily and children for whom it does not.  For those of you who have not experienced the latter . . . count your blessings and find compassion for those who have children who struggle.

Today was a rough day.  One of our kids really struggles in school; two actually, but one more than the other.  Report cards arrived this week.  I had been dreading it, praying that the hard work at the end of the quarter paid off, praying even as I opened the envelope and began to read the letters.  But my prayers were not answered the way I wanted.  I dreaded talking to the child, but Brent and I knew we had to do it.  It was crushing.  Through tears we began to discuss other educational options.  I have been down this road many times.  Ever since we entered public school, we have had many discussions about home schooling again, especially with this particular child, but I think there are so many things to weigh, and in our case, I don't know that it is a family decision.  If I bring one home for school, I don't think that means it is best to bring all of them home, but it does add additional stress and new dynamics to our already busy life.  I'm willing to do that, though, for the success of my child, if I know that is what is supposed to be done, but there is no writing on the wall.

I remember being faced with educational decisions when James was about to enter pre-kindergarten.  There was a new Christian school in Bartlesville, and they offered scholarships to families in ministry.  We had already been paying for daycare, so we had it in our budget, and I was excited about the small classroom size (1 teacher to 5 students, if I remember right).  I also worked for the school system as did my mother-in-law, causing some reservations about the school James would go to.  It seemed the right move to go to this private school.  James and Jason stayed in school there until after James completed 5th grade.  During James's sixth grade year and Jason's third grade year, I decided to home school.  We were in transition, planning our move to California but not knowing exactly when it would take place.  Our budget was tighter, and we did not think it was wise to continue to pay for private school (even if they were very generous to us in terms of scholarships).  When we moved to California, we made the decision to put the boys in public school.  We heard great things about the elementary and junior high schools in our neighborhood.  I was not working full time, so I had plenty of time to volunteer at the schools.  It gave all of us opportunities to develop relationships with other people.  I still believe it was the right thing to do.

My kids are very social, and they are strong in their faith.  They have all been a light in the darkness in their schools, and we have had some incredible moments hearing from their teachers about the impact they have on other students and even on their teachers.  It's been incredible!  For us this impact cannot be ignored when we are considering our schooling options.  God calls us to be salt and light.  The school is a great place to be that (not the only place, lest a reader misunderstand what I am communicating) but a great place and quite honestly, an easy place.  People from all different walks of life are all around and you have at least common ground in that you share the same school.

Home schooling the year I did it, though, was incredible, incredibly hard at times but incredibly rewarding, too.  I learned so much about James and Jason, and I was able to teach them things they would not have learned in school.  We struggled at times, but we enjoyed each other and grew in our relationship, and I would not trade that year for anything.  I always wanted a year to home school with David and Sarah, too, but God has not made a way for that yet.  As I opened that report card and felt that terrible sinking feeling in my stomach, I was again reminded that I do have decisions that I can make with regard to my children's education.  Freedom is a great thing!  So as I sit here, ideas are whirling through my mind about what is the best thing to do for this particular child.  And the truth is I JUST DON'T KNOW.  I wish I did, but I don't.

Academically I think my child can be more successful if I was home schooling him, but losing the influence he has in public school and the social aspect, which is such an important thing to him, is not something that I can ignore.  So I am left trying to make some big decisions.  I had a friend one time give me great advice, which was to walk through the doors until God closes one.  For now, I guess we will walk through more than one open door and see of God closes either one.  In the meantime, we have to be diligent to remind our child that he is amazing, and God has incredible plans for him.  His academic standing does not change that.  It is incredible how bad low grades can make a person feel . . . it's a killer for the self-esteem.  We have to compensate for the loss.  I remind him that God cares about his effort and about his heart; the actual grades are not important, but society does not acknowledge that, and unfortunately society's judgment of outcomes impacts a person's feeling about himself or herself.

We are traveling a difficult road at the moment, though not as difficult as some, I know . . . I'm thankful we serve a God who cares about all of these things and who loves us even if our grades are subpar!!!  We do not have to perform a certain way to be loved and accepted by Jesus!

Down in the Dumps

So, I have had a rough afternoon today, and I have no earthly idea why. If just feel kinda bummed when really I have so much to be thankful for. Recently I was talking to a friend about how important it is to acknowledge our blessings in order to stay focused on the positive, so that is exactly what I thought I would do tonight to try to get myself out of this funk. I just thought I would start with a couple and maybe continue the list another time . . . if I was truly a good blogger, I might continue tomorrow, but as you all know, I'm not . . . and school starts back Monday, so I doubt I will be blogging again soon . . . we shall see.

One huge blessing I have is my friends . . . old and new. I started off this morning meeting with a friend at Starbucks, looking at the book of Mark and talking about life, what we are struggling with and who we are trying to build relationships with. I am so thankful for someone to have these conversations with. Renee is a true blessing to me!!!!

Earlier today a college friend told me she missed the daylights out of me. So sweet. I miss her too. It's been years since I saw Sheri, yet we can maintain a friendship and be an encouragement to each other, and I am so thankful for that. This week we had the amazing privilege of spending about 24 hours with some of our best friends from college (my roommate and maid of honor). It had been 16 years since we saw them, and yet the moment they walked in our front door, I just felt so blessed to have them in my life. They impacted me years ago and continue to impact me as I watch them live their lives in obedience to the Lord. Our hours with them were precious.

We have so many dear friends at church, at work, and in the community here. We have so many people back home in Oklahoma and other places whose prayers I sense on a regular basis and whose phone calls and visits I cherish. I am thankful for the lessons each one teaches me and the encouragement each provides. I could go on and on about so many specific people that it would take a book; these are just examples from today.

Going through rough spots, understanding them or not, causes me to think of the book of James, my favorite, I think, specifically James 1:2-4, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing."

Tomorrow is a new day, and a day of celebration and worship. It will be better, and maybe at some point I can figure out what triggered my sadness today. It may be the fact that I turned 40 a week ago and have an 18 year old and spent time with friends from college this week, reminding me exactly how quickly time flies. However, I'm okay with being 40 and with where God has me in my life, so I hope that's not it. Just a reminder that counting my blessing is important.

My Children

I was going to actually blog tonight, but it's been so long that I can't even access my blog account anymore. Sad!!! It is being recovered, but it will take a while. (Obviously I was able to recover it finally . . . it helps to remember your username!!)

Tonight as I was working on my house to prepare for our Kaleo Christmas Eve gathering (my very favorite church event of the year), I was thinking about my kids. James had been hard at work helping us clean and move things around. Jason was not tonight, but knows that his time is coming tomorrow afternoon/evening. And David and Sarah know the same thing. Jason commented as he was headed for bed that he wishes people could just be okay with each other's messy houses :) Totally a Jason thing to say!!! He added that he loves Christmas and having people over but he does not like preparing. I understand that on some level, and definitely would have said the same thing at his age.

My point in all of this is that my kids are awesome and they work hard and the need more recognition, so I am writing this as a form of recognition. I am so proud of them for plugging along. It's not easy being a church planter's kid. Every Sunday they get up with us and go to the building where we meet two hours before church starts. Since we launched five years ago, James and Jason (mostly James in the beginning and now mostly Jason with the help of David) have been the ones to set up our children's ministry. For the most part they do it without complaining. They don't have the option of being tired on Sunday mornings and skipping church. In fact, during our first couple of years, I prayed diligently that God would prevent any sickness from falling on Sunday because what would we do if someone had to miss church. We are all critical parts of the team, including my older two boys . . . and David is now moving into that also. By the way, God has honored that prayer. I can only think of one Sunday that we had to stay home for sickness, and it was a month ago.

Occasionally one of them asks about missing church on Sunday, either because they want to do something different or because they just want to relax, but they can't. And again for the most part, when they are told no, they comply with a good attitude. I would venture to say that they have missed church less than their dad and I even because occasionally either Brent or I have gone to a conference or something like that (not together), and when one of us is gone, the kids still go with the other . . . and on those weeks they have to work even harder, picking up the slack.

In addition to the extra things they do on a Sunday morning, they put their hospitality gifts to practice during the rest of the week when people are coming and going at our home. The older two boys help tremendously with child care for David and Sarah so we can be out and about as needed . . . and for date nights and fun that we need as a couple also. I really don't know what we would do without them.

I'm thankful for what they are learning through this life that we lead, both about God's church and relationships, but also about living sacrificially and gaining a good work ethic, but I also know it is hard at times.

So, James and Jason, I just want you to know that you are appreciated, and I am sorry that I do not say it enough. I am so grateful for your hearts and for your willingness (even when you aren't always happy about it) to serve your dad and I and the church in the ways that you do. We love you both so much!!!! I could not ask for more amazing children. None of us are truly perfect, but I could not think of any more perfect children for my family. I am so glad to see God molding you, James and Jason, into the men that you are becoming, and I am glad that David and Sarah have you as their examples!!!!

Happy Birthday, dear Sarah!!!

Today ends the Brent Colaw family birthday extravaganza. Over the past 2 1/2 months, we have had six birthdays in our house, seven if you count the dog! Our birthday traditions include a family party with the birthday star choosing the meal they want and the dessert they want, regular trips to the mailbox to see if the long distance cards/gifts have arrived, and generally a single gift from us to the child. This year the theme for all of us was something with wheels. James got money and bought a new long board; David got a new bike; Brent got a new long board; I got (or am getting) roller blades; Jason got money and bought this strange scooter (name I do not know); and today Sarah got her first skate board. Jason donated his old skateboard because she loves the way it rolls. Brent designed the underside of it with her name on it and had it printed on a piece of vinyl. James put new trucks, wheels and grip tape on it. Basically, if we can find my roller blades, we are ready to roll . . . literally!

Sarah learned to skateboard over the past couple months; she loves it and is quite good in my opinion. I couldn't stay up like she does. There are a couple videos on Facebook. She was excited when Brent carried her present into the living room, with her chocolate silk pie on top of it. She had actually requested breakfast in bed "like Daddy." On Brent's birthday, the kids brought him breakfast in bed on his new board. We weren't prepared for breakfast, but were able to make it happen for dessert. I wish I could have captured the look on her face. It was priceless. She was so happy and so surprised.

Sarah turned 7 today. It's so hard to believe. It has been a year of change and growth for her. For the most part it is good, but we are still trying to work our way through handling the emotions of a girl. Even tonight she had a breakdown. When Brent's parents were in town a few weeks ago, she was being a bit of a pill one night. I took her into my room to get her in the shower and talked to her about her behavior. In the conversation I said something about not acting like that with grandma and grandpa. She looked at me with great frustration, and said, "Mom, I can't be good for a whole ten days!" Well, she is right on that one!!! I guess the plus side is she knows herself! But this year, she has also pretty much mastered reading. She has lost almost all shyness. She has gained independence (when she wants it). She has gained a greater understanding of Jesus. She has developed more friendships. I guess I could go on and on.

I remember when I figured out I was probably pregnant with her and how terrified I was. I know the fourth one should not be so scary, but I really hadn't decided I wanted another child. I'm so thankful God had another plan! I don't know what we would do without her. It has been an adventure from the beginning: rushing off my epilepsy medicine, intense nausea and vomiting during pregnancy, not knowing if we should believe the ultrasound tech when he said it was a girl, having a special epidural and induced labor with her heart rate dropping during delivery, her amazing sleep habits (truly we were blessed and still are!), her intense shyness when we first moved to California, the things she says that make us laugh so hard, the fact that she does not like it when we laugh, the way she can eat more than both Jason and David, her intense emotions, her diligence in school. She challenges us and she brings us great joy and at times, she provides humility! It's just so much fun!!! I love her!!!!

Jason

Early this summer, Jason came home and asked for a Fedora. I didn't even know what a Fedora was!!! Luckily he has a dad and brother who are clued in. Here he is climbing a rock at the beach in his fedora. Who wears a fedora while climbing??? He loves it, and he wears it pretty well. This is classic Jason. I understand that these are becoming more popular, but I can tell you that I've never seen one of Jason's friends wearing one. He is such an individual. It poses it's challenges, but it is also a great characteristic. He continues to grow in his beliefs and has very strong convictions; we are working with him on grace and less judgment. Life is black and white, and for the most part he wants nothing to do with anything he thinks is morally wrong.
However, he is also quicker than his older brother to push the rules Brent and I set for him, especially if he doesn't agree with them. He is a good friend and will stand up for the underdog, which is something I am very proud of in him. He's a great conversationalist. I was on the phone with a friend the other day, and she said something about really enjoying conversations with Jason. She said she is around other kids his age, and they can't carry on a conversation with adults, but she finds it easy to talk to him. It's true; he's so social and has very good social skills with kids of all ages. He is good to babysit and play with his younger siblings, but he is equally great in adult conversations.
He loves to take pictures and talks now of being a photographer one day. This summer he and some of his friends got into making "stop motions". They took hundreds of pictures of lego guys and put those pictures into video form. He had a blast doing this and it occupied lots of time. I still can't seem to add a link, but Normal Joe Productions is the name of their youtube channel, and the address is http://www.youtube.com/user/normaljoeproductions. It's pretty entertaining!!!!
I look forward to see where his creativity takes him.
when James and Jason were little guys, maybe 3 and 6, Grandpa Colaw used to say that when they grow up, they should have a company together. James could be the brains behind the whole thing, and Jason could charm their way into everyone's life. Not that James can't be charming and Jason isn't smart, but this continues to summarize our two oldest boys very well. Grandpa had incredible insight even when they were so young.

James

"I'm sure you know this already, but man James is an awesome kid. :-)"

This was written on my Facebook wall the other day by a friend who also attends our church. I can't tell you how proud that made me. He really is an awesome kid!!! We have so many things that we love about him, so many funny stories. He's a hard worker. His boss calls him the robot because he works so hard without stopping. He's funny and makes us laugh all the time, most of the time intentionally. He's creative. He can draw and design and edit video and does it all with excellence. He is a great writer. I love finding his notes in my Bible. He writes little notes to us that mean so much. We love talking to him after church on Sunday to hear what he learned from the teaching and his critique of his dad. Brent says that if he wants to know the truth, he asks James. His critiques are normally very helpful!!! He loves the Lord and he loves people. He is a servant. One of my favorite recent memories was at a Gone for Good when we went to feed the homeless. Brent was not with us, and he's usually the one who draws all the people together and uses his hospitality gifts as easily in the homeless park as he does in our living room. I was busy serving with some of the other adults in our small group while other adults were watching the kids who were with us, so the people were not being drawn into conversation and rather than sitting with us, they were getting their food and going to sit under a tree. I looked up and saw James and Jason walking over to sit with them. They sat down on the ground right next to them and were striking up a conversation. After I finished serving, I went over to see what was being discussed. They were discussing the Vietnam war. The two man they were talking to at that moment had both served in Vietnam. James continued talking to them for probably over an hour. When we were driving home, I told him how proud I was of him for taking initiative and going over there. He said, "I just wish I was more like dad." I asked what that meant. He said he has to force conversations with them. He wished it came as naturally as it does for Brent. I almost laughed at his expectations for himself. Not only is he only 16 and speaking to homeless people, but he's 16 and speaking to 50-60 year old men and feeling bad for his conversational skills when obviously those men felt perfectly comfortable to talk to him for so long. He's just incredible with people. Many 16 year olds would have been mad at their mom and dad for making them go to the park and would never have considered going and sitting on the ground to be part of the conversation. Not James.

He had a really interesting/scary experience about a week ago. He was out on his skateboard at about 9:00 a week and a half ago on a Friday night with his friend, Jake. They were on their way home from grabbing a bite to eat. It had been a rough week, and I was wiped out, so I was laying in bed watching a movie. Brent was beside me when the phone rang. It was a very odd conversation that I could not understand but it seemed obvious that I should jump up and get ready to walk out the door. James was down the street, by the elementary school that David and Sarah attend, with Jake and the police. He and Jake were riding down the road when they realized a car was driving slowly beside them with about five guys in it. They decided to make a turn and go into a neighborhood to get away from the car. They were punching in the code to open the gate when the car pulled up and two guys jumped out of the car. Jake realized what they were doing and rolled his skateboard to them then ran into light and called the police (FLIGHT). James, on the other hand, responded by shoving the first guy out of the way and running after the second (FIGHT). When he ran after the second, the first got up and used a taser on James's abdomen. They then grabbed his board and ran. It turned out that James and Jake were maybe the third victims of the evening, and another boy was attacked after them. (This fight or flight story is a perfect example of James and Jake's friendship. They are as opposite as can be, but incredible for each other.)

It was super scary for all of us . . . the boys and their parents. We've all recovered, though I still think I may be a little overprotective for a while. James works at a skate and surf shop, so the next day when he went into work, his boss gave him a skateboard, and James bought Jake a new board also. That night we took James over to Jake's house, and both boys were back on their new boards. The police caught the criminals and they (at least some of them) are in juvenile hall. Some, if not all, of the items have been recovered. Brent was on the news as was the back of James while on his board. I was nervous about the news involvement, but I guess it's all okay. I can't seem to upload the link to the news story, but it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORyWtyBUoK0, if you want to cut and paste it.

This has been another moment in my life as a parent where I realize just how precious life is and how I need to be careful not to take things for granted. We are so thankful they had a taser and not a knife or gun. It could have been so much worse. As we talked to Jake's parent the following and watched the boys on their boards playing and having fun, I think we were all incredibly grateful.

trying a new thing . . .

I've been terrible about this blogging thing. Seems like I'm so busy, but I really like looking back on what I've written and being reminded of various things, including how God was working in my life at different times. So I was trying to think of what I might like to blog about, something that might make me excited to write.

I'm going to try to start with writing something about Brent and I, something about our relationship, how God is using us, whatever. If I can stay disciplined, I will do one day about us, one about each of the kids and one about work or something like that.

I must tell you that ministry has been beyond stressful lately. Actually, just life in general has been. There have been all sorts of stress: finances, relationships, time management, work related stuff for me, you name it. We can sense God really using us in different ways, but it also takes a toll. (I'm not one to blame everything on spiritual warfare, but looking back on our year, I can't help but wonder if Satan is trying to drag us down. I'm tired of picking up the phone to call home with another catastrophe.) We've had some friends going through a rough time in their marriage. We love being there for them, but it also brings up garbage in your own marriage, so we have had to talk through some stuff, which is not really all that fun. But in the process of watching Brent handle difficult situations, I have been so proud and so thankful for the man God gave to me. He has been so reliant on God. This particular situation is so much more than we know what to do with, but we know that we were called into the middle of it for a reason, and we want to be where God wants us to be and to be used by Him. I have watched Brent sit quietly praying for the next step and then listened to him as he acted on what he felt God leading him to do or say. It has been exciting to watch lives transforming because Brent has allowed himself to be used by God, even when he felt totally incapable. Truly amazing!!!!

I was "telling my story" at small group the other night. I've done this so many times before, beginning back when we were in Kyle Unruh's small group in Bartlesville, but it's always a little different and I always teach myself something (or remind myself of something) as I tell my own story. The thing I realized as I told my story last week is that God puts us through circumstances and gives us opportunities for a reason. If we are willing to be his tool, he will use us in really big ways. I've been watching my husband be taken out of his comfort zone to be God's tool, and he has been doing an amazing job.

I would just ask any of you who happen to read this to be praying for us. We had all the physical injuries last year with all six of us being in urgent care at one time or another (and David in on three occasions). There is an earlier post about that, I think. Recently, it has seemed more relational and emotional. James was mugged a little over a week ago. I will tell that story another time. I had to make a decision in effort to protect James's emotions in another situation and force him (and Jason) to delete one of our "friends" from Facebook because of hateful, sarcastic comments, which has caused even more relational turmoil for Brent and me, and as much as I play "tough", I don't like people not liking me, and Brent hates it when people are not happy with him. He wants to be loved by everyone. So it's been a tough couple weeks, and we could use your prayers for protection and for wisdom.

Here's the most recent family picture I have from our vacation to Yosemite last month. We went on our first ever camping trip. I will have to blog about that soon. Not the best picture. We were being swarmed by mosquitos, but the lake was beautiful and we hiked 3.5 miles one way to see it, so we had to get a picture.