I haven’t blogged in a long time, but I have something on my
heart that I thought I would share for those few of you who might read my blog
occasionally. A couple things before I
actually write this. First of all, I
know my opinion about this is not going to be agreed upon by all, and I don’t
really want to get in a fight on my blog.
These are just my thoughts.
Second, if you do want to argue my points, I would rather you read the
book (with an open mind), then come back and give me your opinions. Third, I don’t agree with everything in the
book, but I did get a lot out of it and would say that I agree with almost
everything. And one final thing to
clarify . . . I may be completely wrong, but Brent always thinks that people
might view me as somewhat feministic, I guess based on the fact that I have
always worked and that I have furthered my education. I want to make it clear that I am not at all. I say this because the book might really
bother some of you who lean more toward feminism. I really think that the best-case scenario in
families is the traditional (or old-fashioned as some might say): Dad works; mom stays home and takes care of
the kids. I would have been perfectly
happy in that situation, but God had other plans for me, and I followed them. But to go along with that, I have said and
will say again that I don’t think my working outside of the home or being in
school has hurt my children; in fact, in many ways it has benefitted them in
ways that my staying home would not have.
The thing I would say about our choices or really, if we are honest,
just the way things fell, is that we have not been perfect by any means, but we
have tried to keep God in the center and our marriage and children a
priority. Has it been hard at
times? Definitely. But here we are . . . by the grace of God
making our lives work.
With that said, I guess you are probably wondering what book
I read . . . Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. We have had it sitting in our house for
years. I’ve picked it up a few times,
but I have never made it through. I
finally determined a month or so ago that I was finishing it no matter what,
and it took longer than it should have, but I finished it while I was on the
plane to Virginia the other day. It was
a hard read for me . . . not because it is super intellectual. It’s not!
It’s actually a very easy read. But
because it was incredibly convicting.
Now that I’m putting it out there, too, I’m opening the door for a ton
of accountability. While I do not
consider myself a feminist, I definitely do not consider myself a submissive
wife either. Any of you who know me
probably can see that I would struggle with that. I think I can fairly say that I want to
submit to Brent, I really do, but my strong, way too independent personality
gets the best of me so often. It is hard
for me. And as I read about respecting
Brent, I was sad because I know that my natural tendency is not to show him the
respect he needs or deserves.
What made me even sadder, though, was that Brent really does
do a pretty great job loving me. He is a
romantic . . . that’s what drew me to him so many years ago. He loves with all his heart, and most of the
time, he treats me like a gem. I was
sitting in a session in my class today and the professor asked us (if we were
married) to think about when we first knew we loved our spouse. I know I would not have articulated this at
the time, but the first memory that came to mind was this: Right after Brent and I started dating
(actually we had not even been on an official date, but we were spending a lot
of time together in groups, and I would say our friends and other people at our
college would have identified us as a couple), I got a little freaked out, and
I broke up with him. Initially he was
mad, but the next day, after being out of my dorm room, I returned to find a
single yellow rose with a card that said something to the effect of “If you are
too scared to be in a relationship, I want to at least remain friends.” (I know it was worded better). I think that may have been the moment, though
I would not admit it right away. But after
I cried a little, I went and called my dad for advice and a day or two later
called Brent and apologized, and the rest is history. He always took me on amazing, thoughtful,
romantic dates. He planned an amazing
proposal (which I ruined, if that tells you anything). He wrote me a song and had it sung at our wedding. He had flowers at the house after the kids
were born and when I found out I was pregnant.
He will cook and clean and do laundry.
And his thoughtfulness extends beyond me . . . he’s just all around a
loving man who desires for others to know how much they mean to him. Is he perfect? No.
But he’s pretty amazing. I say
all this because I think for his personality, the loving part comes much more
easily than the respecting part comes for me with my personality.
I’m headstrong and stubborn, and I think I know what’s right. I’m argumentative . . . ask my parents
because I always have been. I also have
pretty high expectations. Am I all bad? Of course not. I work hard, and I love my family, and I
would give the shirt of my back for other people, but my personality is more of
a challenge when it comes to respecting my husband. So as I read that book, I was convicted, and
I was challenged because I can’t figure out how I am going to do a better job
and not let my natural tendencies get the best of me.
I hear ladies talk about their husbands or I see things on
social media, and it just hurts me for their husbands. I also see and hear things that hurt me for
wives, don’t get me wrong. As I read in
the book about the CRAZY Cycle (which is what Eggerichs refers to when he talks
about marriages that are struggling), I could see how very difficult it is to
get off of it. Our human nature keeps us
on it. He’s not loving me, so why should
I respect him? He’s thinking the
opposite. She’s not respecting me, so
why should I love her? Now would either
of us admit that we are thinking or saying that? No, but it shows clearly in our actions and
in our words.
The thing I really liked about the book is that, though I
know it’s not going to be easy for me to show respect like I should, the book
spells out how I can do a better job . . . in detail. It also spends time talking about how we
should work on not taking things personally when our spouse messes up. On the occasion that Brent is not being
loving toward me, I need to remember that he does love me, and he is just
messing up like we all do . . . and try not to take it to personally or try to
get to the bottom of it. Did he have a
rotten day at work? Is he stressed about
something unrelated to home that is causing him to be short? Sometimes our feelings take over our
logic. We need to remember what is true
and that our feelings often lie to us.
I highly recommend reading the book. There will be things you do not agree with,
as there are in all books, but there are many great truths. I have learned as I have “grown up” that most
books (even those I can’t support) have good principles I can grab, learn from,
and implement. Read the book with an
open-mind, with the desire to be the person God calls you to be to your
spouse. Even if you do not agree with
all of it, what does your spouse think?
When you got married, you agreed to sacrifice for the other. For some people, you may not agree with
submission and respect, but if that would help your marriage, shouldn’t you do
it anyway? Your husband may not feel
like he needs to love you the way you need to be loved either, but don’t you
want him to do it any way? We have to
serve each other in order to make our marriages work. If we are only seeking what we want and not
seeking to serve our spouse, our marriages are doomed.
